not quite ready (part two)

And this is where we see God’s amazing plan start to unfold in my life. As Peter Reid was giving his end-of-the year announcements today on how to continue our spiritual momentum and live out our faith at home, I found myself picturing life back home. I imagined returning to it in the state that I’m in, as though I were flying home this Saturday, April 2. I began to panic. I’ve learned tons, yes. But God’s timing, as He revealed it to me, kept me asleep until March. It didn’t click until the last three weeks of school and by then, sadly, the majority of focus and intellectual absorption was out the window. Six months is a long time for 100 students to sit still, and by the time I experienced my spiritual awakening, the atmosphere wasn’t the same. But God’s not done with me here, and I feel great and powerful things on the horizon.

Although my relationship with Joel has experienced changes and growth in the Lord, my personal relationship with Christ is still starving and relatively undeveloped. If I were to go back to the people, places, and habits of Issaquah or Pullman in this state of spirituality, I would… well, I would fail. And it’s simply because the sponge of my heart has been soaked only in certain areas. I can confidently leave Joel in the hands of the Lord, now. I can leave my future, my worries, concerns, family and friends all in the hands of the Lord. I finally feel ready, after the foundation and revivals I have now experienced, to begin my pursuit of happiness (as the books say) with an open heart and clear mind.

And, to no surprise at all, God knew this already. In fact, He knew this when He placed the desire on my heart almost two years ago to send in an application for Spring term at Capernwray Hall in England. As my fleshly desires changed and my mind became distracted over the course of the following months and years, I reached September 2010 with zero desire to be gone any longer than I had to be. After all, I had a great guy at home now, and a great job with money waiting to be earned. Last September I had no idea that I would be typing what I’m typing today. If you told me 6 months ago that I’d be aching for more time abroad, that 6 months of Bible School was good for certain things, but actually just the beginning, I would have rolled my eyes and called you crazy. And now, I say it with full certainty: I need more time with Christ. Alone. Out here, on my own, in the Word, in lectures, in a new environment, new country, around new people, with a new heart. And God had that in the books this entire time. Good grief, He’s cool ;)

When my old room started to get together again this term and continue on in Captivating, the Lord started to show me things I never expected to learn. Chapter seven is titled “Romanced” and really paints a picture of Christ wanting to be the one who dates us, marries us, and completely romances us. In a way we’ve never experienced before. He wants us to be head over heals in love with Him, because that’s how He feels about us. He wants to be our knight in shining armor, our prince, our rescuer. And boy did that change everything for me. I’m learning what it means to have a personal Savior be the same as my Heavenly Father, Awesome Creator, and Great Romancer all at the same time. I love the challenge, and I fully expect to develop a new love and infatuation for Him now that He’s given me this perspective.

Saturday I leave for a week in Greece, then a week in Italy, then I have an overnight journey by train up to England. I will check in to the castle (that’s right, our school is a castle) on April 16th. In the next two weeks I fully intend to explore the world and the Word with the friends I’ve made here, giving God all the glory for the things we learn and experience. I want to start a prayer journal. I want to read daily. I want to continue my quiet times. I want to be faithful about the things of my heart, and not allow it to be a dream anymore. These are the things on my heart, coming straight from the Lord, no doubt. I love Him and this new heart attitude He has graciously given me. It has been a fabulous six months here at the Bode, and I will never forget the awesome experiences my Father has given me here. From sunsets on the bodensee to mountain top-views in Switzerland, from endless laughter with roommates to endless discussions about life, from hours spent on Skype to hours spent listening to God’s Word, God has given me so much in my time here.

Our year verse, hopefully one I carry in my heart always: 1 Peter 1:3 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.”

I will post again soon to record the works of the Lord in my life. Prayers for the safety of my friends and me as we travel, and for the expected growth in my near future would be extremely appreciated ☺

not quite ready (part one)

Once again, I finally get around to my blog because today is our reflection day for the past quarter, and reflection on the entire year as well. It’s our last Wednesday at school; we all move out Saturday by noon. So much to reflect on, I guess I’ll start where I left off and move forward as efficiently as possible in this post.

Travel weekend to Strasbourg, France was lovely. The students I went with were great and we had a blast at the rented house, all pitching in time and money for cooking and cleaning, and spent each day in town together. It was a nice weekend away from school, and away from Germany. I got to use my French for the first time in years, and LOVED hearing it all around town as we toured the city and ate crepes on the street sidewalks. We came back from travel weekend and I received my first EVER rose delivery ☺ Joel sent me flowers for Valentines Day, and a few days later his super secret package arrived that I’d been waiting for. Inside was a sweet letter and the most beautiful ring I’ve ever been given – with his birthstone and mine, and our names engraved, one on each side. What a wonderful Valentine’s Day, even abroad. That next weekend was spent on another 4-day outreach, this time to Shönwald, Germany. My sing team, along with a drama team, and two girls from the kids' team all went together and we had a great time. That weekend was a wonderful experience, with the absolute best host family I could have asked for. So many pictures and laughs, and all around good times with kids and church congregations. We came back to school absolutely exhausted, and continued life here at the Bode with papers and assignments due as usual. My sing team started a Bible study together, meeting about once a week to open up the Word and just discuss. Whatever was on our hearts or minds, whatever we needed prayer or clarification for. We were very open and honest with each other every time we met, and this time together has been an incredible blessing for me. Our last meeting is tomorrow evening, and it’s fun to think about where we started in October as a brand new sing team, and where we are today – a small group that meets regularly and shares openly. A lot has been discussed in that setting, and the Lord really used that to show me certain things in my life that quite honestly, I’m not sure how I would have learned or realized otherwise. I had no idea when I expressed my desire for a small group Bible study that it would be my sing team who did it, and that it would benefit me so greatly. God is really good ☺

A couple times in the next few weeks I went to Munich on a Saturday with friends, once to drop off my laptop for repair, and once to pick it up. That kept me busy with weekend trains and fun sightseeing, on top of the school’s normal schedule packed with events and work. I stayed extra busy with the school yearbook, working hard with about six other students to create something wonderful before deadline. My sing team recorded all our songs from this year (just for fun – for us to remember each other better), my old room (Veronika, Brandi, and MK) finally started to get together regularly to finish the book Captivating, and the school year started winding down with sunny weather and excitement for upcoming post-Bode travels!


Before we leave, though, I need to expand on the spiritual highlight of my time at Bodenseehof Bible School. Luke 1:45 “And blessed is she who believed that there would be fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord.”

On March 13th I experienced something altogether new. Joel and I had been going through some tough issues over the course of the preceding weeks and months, and I thought my prayers and his were enough. My heart was weaker than I thought, though, and on that Sunday in March as Joel and I were having yet another difficult conversation about some hurtful struggles that were still evident in his life, I hit a wall. I could actually handle much less than I thought, and as things were revealed to me that I was unaware of, I began to cry. This upset Joel and before long we were both struggling to find words to finish the conversation. Something needed to happen, to change. Whatever he was doing (or not doing) in his life in Pullman needed to be addressed, and without knowing how exactly to do it, we got off the phone agreeing that we needed to be praying even harder. I would seek advice from the staff here, and he would spend time in the Word and prayer himself. That same evening the Lord spoke to me. I didn’t hear it, but I definitely felt it. He was asking me when He’d be enough, and when I would stop letting the world hurt me like this. When would I let Him fulfill me like He has promised? When would I stop relying on the people in my life and the sins of this world to keep me together and to show me love? Would I ever be able to prove to Him that He is my everything? …..is He my everything? I had no idea what that would look like, if it were true. That got me even more upset – my own God and Father is tugging at my heart and I didn’t even know how to answer. I call it my spiritual awakening. I was born and raised in a Christian home, always having had faith. Some points of my life were more spiritually evident than others, but I’ve never denied Christ or walked away from my faith. I was baptized at age 13, and went on all the mission trips possible from grade 7 through college life. But I would say I’ve been asleep for most of my life. My desire to know the Lord intimately and grow in Him has always been there, no doubt. I loved church camp and youth group but the camp high would always fade and I never felt Christ in my real life. Until March 13th. He woke me up and in His perfect timing is now showing Himself to me in an intimate and personal way (more on that in part two).

To make a very long story short, I spent the next five days asking for prayer and seeking guidance, opening up the Word daily, praying whenever possible, talking privately with the guest speaker of the week, and ultimately telling Joel I’ve been putting far too much reliance and value on my relationship with him and it needed to be on Christ instead. I told Joel that I never offered up our relationship to the Lord, asking if this was something He even wanted me to have. I decided it was best Joel and I took a few days and just prayed. On our own, however that looked, to sacrifice our relationship (and everything else in our lives) to God, asking Him to prepare our hearts for loss, if that was what it would take to get us on the true path of righteousness. If Joel is not the man to whom God wants me slowly giving my heart, I don’t want to be wasting God’s time in this short life I’m living. I want nothing but the will of the Lord for my life and Joel’s life, too. We’ve done a lot of learning and growing together, but without the permission of the Lord, it’s not something we should continue doing – however great the growth may be.

The amount of change I’ve seen in the last 7 months of my relationship with Joel is outstanding ☺ Specifically in the last two weeks I’ve seen the Lord work in incredible ways in Joel’s heart and attitude. We now live life each day knowing the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, but until He takes away, He wants us to enjoy the blessings we have. Having opened up my hand to offer everything up to God, allowing Him to take and give freely, I see Joel with new eyes and a newfound love and respect. Joel is a gift to me – one that has brought me closer than ever to my Father through the struggles and challenges of our relationship. We don’t deserve the grace and understanding we’ve been given, because we never gave God the chance to say no to our relationship, but the Lord has been GOOD to us. He has allowed us to grow and walk steadily and evermore faithfully with Him, despite our disobedience toward the beginning of our relationship. The last seven months have been a great story of truth and growth. That being said, Joel is well on his way to spiritual maturity. He’s allowing the Lord to fight and conquer battles for him, and sharing his success with college students weekly. God’s already using him, and I feel like this is just the beginning. Our relationship has taken a sharp turn in the perfect direction, and when I get off that plane in Seattle on June 11, I will be approaching an entirely new man. The little kid I knew in the 2nd grade is absolutely transforming into the very God-seeking, God-fearing man I’ve been praying for in my life. Joel has much reading to help guide him through this transition between lifestyles, in addition to God’s Word itself, and the small group of young men he shares with regularly is the application and practice we Christians NEED to experience as we learn and grow in our faith. I’m so proud of him, and am eternally grateful for God’s grace in our relationship. We pray together now (I can’t wait to get away from Skype and start praying in his physical presence!!), and have re-defined the limits and intentions of our physical intimacy. Our focus is Christ; our goal is to glorify Him. It’ll be hard, but we’re starting now with prayer and discussion each time we talk, so as to solidify the standards we need to uphold before I even get home in a few months. And that’s the thing… my time in Europe has gone from eight months to just over two. We leave on Saturday, and I can say one thing about going home: I’m not even close to being ready.

I am not competent, mature, or confident enough to leave. I am not fully equipped.

The last memory verse assigned this year: Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”