if only.

so. something i've done a lot of thinking, praying, and talking-with-laura about lately is trust. trusting in the Lord, more specifically. it's so easy for me to want the big picture, the whole story. i'd love to know where i'm going to be in ten years, who i'm going to be with, the career i will have started by then, the people in my life now who are still a part of my life then. i would love to know if what i'm doing, where i'm going is the right thing - if my trajectory [concept from last week with Richard Dahlstrom] is in line with God's will. if my friendships and relationships are even worth my time today, because they may mean nothing in ten years. if my thoughts and plans are even worth any effort... because God's plan will prevail and it may have nothing to do with what i think is best for my life. if i could just know for sure who my husband is, i could start preparing today for whatever may need to happen between now and marriage. if i could just know for sure what God wants me to do full-time with my life and education, i could better focus my academics and be proactive in the right areas. if only i were God. that's basically what i'm saying.

the second we know what He knows, we become completely independent. we won't need Him, or anything having to do with Him - relationship, dependence, trust, faith, hope, etc.

this.. is the greatest challenge of the Christian life - living completely by faith, trusting that His plan is the best plan, and it will be revealed to me in the most perfect timing possible for my life.

i fly home in 7 days.

SO. MUCH. TO. DO. STILL.

gahhhh.. prayer is appreciated! :) i'll write more later.

and so it goes

Time is seriously flying. Just to update:

*the Pentateuch paper went well and was turned in on time.
*kFORCE bowling was perfect [minus april and jeannine being sick - we missed you!!!] it was pj's vs. gangsters vs. christmas. philip and i dominated on the pj team, duh ;) we had a blast and I just LOVE my k-group :]
*the Bible book and memory verse exam went REALLY well [thank you, Jesus!] and I eagerly await my score
*travel weekend was a very nice, much-needed break from the routine of life here at the Bode. the weather and scenery were beautiful, the hut was quaint, and the memories I have now of people I spent my time with will forever make me smile :]
*the Missionary Biography paper is due tonight by lock-up. Mine's already turned in and I thoroughly enjoyed the book I chose: God's Smuggler, the story of Brother Andrew. SUCH a great book - I highly recommend it for those both called and not called into the field of missions.
*we have 9 days left to pull The Crossing together. Things are going supurbly on that front, thanks once again to Jesus :] We have thus far figured out the theme, the message, the drama, the testimony, the decorations, and are almost done choosing songs and performers for the music portion of the evening. This weekend will be full of preparations and rehearsals, and then we'll STILL have a whole week to work out the bugs. What a relief :) Please be in prayer for The Crossing, for the hearts and minds of the local guests coming to see the program, for the speaker to use only the words God's given him, for the testimony to speak to those God's trying to reach that night, and for the smoothness of the evening as a whole. Thanks, friends.
*Yes, the Bible Study Project due date is quickly approaching. Still due December 1st, the 15-page paper on a book of our choice [off the list of pre-determined options in our student manual] will be a project indeed. I'm excited for the knowledge I gain by doing it. Maybe I should go pick my book now....
*Sing Teams still have outreach shortly thereafter - [IN] Dependence, the sing team I'm a part of, has a Sunday morning outreach on December 5th. Pray for our preparation please?

Geez.. time is flying. Just yesterday, it seems, sunny October was just getting underway and all of these assignments and activities were just a bunch of overwhelming words on paper. I'm so grateful for the development of friendships and the progress in my own faith and knowledge. I'm learning so much, both by reading and conversing; spending time in the Word and in fellowship is the story of my life these days. And I couldn't be more like a sponge, soaking it all up. Laura has grown ever so close to my heart; we spent a lot of time together at the hut, and before that we just marveled together at how AWESOME our k-group is. Today we went on a 45 minute walking after working on our own papers for the Missionary Biography [which we read together out loud and was one of the more enjoyable book experiences as a result]. I love you, Laura. I just LOVE BEING HERE. Just.. LOVE it ;)

Philip, you're awesome :P
Kendra, I miss you.
Laura, thank you for rubbing my feet.
Kirsten and Rosiland.. you MADE the Hut. Thank you :)
McKenzie, thank you for braiding my hair and rubbing my back.
Roommates, thank you for listening.
Jon, thanks for opening up and sharing. it was really, really great :)
Dylan, good > 50%
fam-bam, I can't WAIT for Mexico!! only 27 days till I fly home to you all!
and Joel, i love you :)

Everyone else, thanks for following! My experiences are far too frequent to put into words here, so I'll just let the Lord show them through my life next time you and I have a conversation. Life here simply gets better with each passing day. I'm discovering who I am, learning to forgive myself and love me for me. I'm talking through struggles I never knew I struggled with. I'm leaning on friends who have my back for all the right reasons, and will never forget me, never stop loving me.
I'm messing up, I'm failing, I'm forgetting.
I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm loving.
I'm laughing, I'm crying, I'm talking.
I'm listening, I'm letting go, I'm giving up control.

Ps. the speakers are spectacular. my notebook is getting uber worn out :]

life: consumed.

mkayyyy so.. God is good. I'm feeling much better lately, both physically and emotionally, so thank you to all who have been praying. My roommates and i are getting even closer, and students here are finally becoming friends. like... REAL friends. which is great :) Philip and i talk and pray together a lot now, and it's nothing shy of wonderful. he reminds me a ridiculous amount of Joel. [ps joel I LOVE YOU]. so it's kind of nice; engaging in conversation with someone who reminds me of the one person i want most :) last weekend we had a K-Group photo shoot and right after that room 124 went out for a photo shoot as well [thank you, Kendra!!!!] and both were very fun. i love pictures!!!! :D

but recently, life just got VERY stressful.

let me just paint the picture of november for you all:
*The Pentateuch paper due tonight by 10:30 [first five books of the Bible]
*3 days later, Sunday K-Group social event [bowling!!!!]
*2 days later, Tuesday Bible Book and memory verse exam [hm. studying would be good]
*2 days later, Travel Weekend begins [Austria hut for the win!!]
*4 days after we get back, Missionary Biography paper due [i should probably start that book...]
* 9 days later, THE CROSSING [production led by Kyle, Christa, Philip, and myself]
*4 days later, Bible Study Project due [15-page paper that i'll have ...no time for? perfect].
*2 days later, more sing teams leave for outreach [15 fully prepared songs needed. hmmm]


great. there goes any chance of having free time or a social life for the next month. but it's all good. we're learning and growing and serving the Lord all the while :) and i love it. keeping myself busy will ALSO make time fly. which means i'll be home in no time. home to you, joel ;)

life here is absolutely great. Jesus is with me and my thoughts and my conversations and i'm praying now more than ever. alone and with people, both. I LOVE IT! :)

a cross to bridge the great divide.

there's a bridge to cross the great divide....
there's a cross to bridge the great divide.

communication is key.
growing in patience, understanding, and grace.
giving up pride and expectations.
with every sunrise comes a new preparation of the mind, body and soul for this challenge.
focusing on the One who gives me life and trusting that His plan is more perfect than mine could ever be.
He alone can know the need in me, before i even speak.
i will trust in Him.
He will not turn away.
there is hope reborn... and sin forgiven.

this is one fabulously frustrating year.


The Great Divide, by Point of Grace
Words and Music by Grant Cunningham & Matt Huesmann

Silence
Trying to fathom the distance
Looking out 'cross the canyon carved
By my hands
God is gracious
Sin would still separate us
Were it not for the bridge His grace
Has made us
His love will carry me

(Chorus)
There's a bridge to cross the great divide
A way was made to reach the other side
The mercy of the Father, cost His son
His life
His love is deep, His love is wide
There's a cross to bridge the great divide

God is faithful
On my own I'm unable
He found me hopeless, alone and
Sent a Savior
He's provided a path a promised
To guide us
Safely past all the sin that would divide us
His love delivers me

(Repeat Chorus)

The cross that cost my Lord His life
Has given me mine

There's a bridge to cross the great divide
There's a cross to bridge the great divide

(Repeat Chorus)

MICHAEL BUBLE :)

Michael Buble was absolutely perfect in concert :)

he was personable, funny, comfortable, sexy, musical, spontaneous, jazzy, gentle, energetic, witty, humble, confident, organized, and sang BEAUTIFULLY.

his concert set was incredible, his song choice was perfect, the lights were bright, the screens were big, the crowd was on their feet and LOUD. i have never screamed so loud myself ;) and he absolutely knew katie, mckenzie and i were there. check it out:

partway through the concert he stopped to introduce his jazz band behind him one by one [because they come from all over the world but mostly Germany and America], and when he got to a particular member he said, "this next guy.. from Seattle, Washington - "

mckenzie, katie and i screamed SO loudly from the balcony seats we were in that michael stopped what he was saying, looked up at us and said "haha uh. thank you... seattle, washington."

pretty much MADE my night. that and the fact that he opened with Cry Me a River, and closed for the encore with Feeling Good. and when Haven't Met You Yet came about.. i sensed it was next so my camera was out in time to record it in video :D

Mikaela.. thank you so much for that ticket :) everyone else, if you EVER go to Micheal Buble live and in concert and need a friend by your side i am THERE. his songs will be at my wedding, and my children will love him like we love the Beatles.

end of story.

on the road again.

mmm :)
McKenzie is playing with my hair as i type. and it feels amazing. i love this....

so. things have taken quite the turn since my last post. i've decided to NOT listen to anyone but the Lord, and if that means people still talk, then so be it. that's not my business, and listening to rumors isnt going to help me any more than it's helping other students. which is.... not at all.

the yearbook this year is going to look so good. that's all i have to say.

we ran the 10k last weekend, and it was quite the experience. i finished, and i guess i can be proud of that in and of itself. and next time, i'll actually run for weeks leading up to the event. instead of just waking up one morning and saying "yeah, today i'll just run 6 miles. whatev."

Peter Reid is a fantastic speaker, and this past week i ordered his series of Colossians in MP3 form because it was THAT good. and because it's what our first exam this upcoming wednesday covers. so... it'd be good to have a sweet memory of our first exam material :P

tomorrow is the Michael Buble concert and the girls and i are SO EXCITED to finally train back up to Frankfurt and see him in concert for the first time!! a dream come true, to say the least. today i got Joel's 2nd letter in the mail and have read it 4 times through already. i love letters. especially from him. i love him. and miss him. and knowing he feels the same makes it SO much easier to handle something as challenging as long distance. Joel... you're the best :)

our first outreach is coming up, and all the sing teams and drama teams performed their first song/drama for the student body yesterday. we have so much talent at this school. and i'm very proud of my group. we call ourselves [IN]dependence. haha.... catchy, huh? ;)


needleess to say, life is picking back up. God is good, school is good, friends are good, and Bodenseehof is GOOD. fabuuuuuulous :)
i'm on the road again.

not... leadership?

scratch that. i feel like im in high school all over again. the gossip here is outrageous and i honestly forgot what this was like. i keep forgetting that the average student is barely 4 months out of high school.

people dont even know me yet. how can they actually have THAT much to say about me when they think i cant hear? or my true friends, who turn around and shut the gossip up. yeah they're listing too.

hope this is just a phase. else im gonna become a whole new person who just doesnt talk anymore. this is absolutely not worth it.

oh. im k-group leader with philip.

leadership

so... this isn't really shocking, but i'm finding myself falling into leadership roles all over the place here at Bodenseehof.

we found out about outreach today... and my heart leapt for joy when my name was called for Sing Team 4. an answer to prayer, indeed. AJ's on my team too, which is awesome because we spend a ton of time together as is. this will be epic :) he and i will basically co-lead: he'll run rehearsals since he'll probably be the keyboardist, while i'll be the team rep. who attends meetings in order to relay messages back to the team and i'll organize when and where rehearsals are. i'll be responsible for making sure our team is fully rehearsed and prepared for every outreach we have. mm.... my specialty :]

every room has a room representative, also to attend meetings and relay messages back to the room. my name was on the room rep. list the first week of school and it felt quite fitting ;) i also hold myself personally responsible [though this isn't part of the room rep job description] if my room ever fails the random room inspections we get once a week. i'd like to think i can hold my roommates accountable for keeping their beds made and our sink and mirror clean each morning. they actually like that; they say it helps them :D

k-groups also have leaders, one male and one female. they ALSO attend meetings and relay messages to the group and are responsible for organizing events and such. k-groups vote on that, i think next week, so we'll see what happens :)

i'm feeling called to start a women's prayer group. something that's simple, but consistent; a place for women to come and vent or pray or share or laugh or cry... or all of it in one sitting. i want a safe place for women to open up and share the things they may not feel comfortable sharing in front of guys. i want a challenge; a way to push myself in my own prayer life. i want to love on these people and be an encouragement to the women here. i took a long walk with Kendra today to Kaufland and shared this desire with her; she said she'd totally help co-lead the group with me; just to make sure one or both of us are at this small group every time it's held. if it becomes huge and we need to split off into smaller groups, awesome :) if it stays small and intimate, awesome :)


i've been missing home, but MUCH less since we've gotten busy with k-groups and now outreach. i just want to stay busy, grow in my friendships, marvel in God's awesome wonder, savor the experiences, take a ton of pictures... and then wake up and have it be time to go home. that's what i want. i feel like that's exactly what will happen. except i'll wake up, realize it's time to go home, and actually feel sadness.

Michael Buble concert up in Frankfurt on October 16th :) :) :)
thank you, Mikalea, for the early birthday gift of a concert ticket last June!!!! i'm so excited, as are Mckenzie and Katie, my Seattle travel buddies who are also going to the concert with me :D

more soon.

Swiss Alps.

This week has been crazy busy. I got sick for a bit of it, woke up and went to bed a couple different times with very uncomfortable headaches and I was afraid I wouldn't make it to the hike up the Swiss Alps yesterday. But God is good, and I woke up Saturday morning feeling just fine with just a little bit of congestion, so the hike was definitely on my agenda that day. The hike was VERY challenging, much more so than I expected at least. Dripping sweat within the first 20 minutes, many students challenged themselves in a way they had never done before. I watched struggles and accomplishments, as I overcame the challenge myself, and doing so in and among God's beauty of the Switzerland Alps was an experience I can only hope my family and friends get someday. We didn't go to the very top [that takes some people a day or two], but we did make it to a very tall peek where we could look out north over the Bodensee to our school, and of course to the east was Austria, while standing in Switzerland. It was great :)

We met our K-Groups earlier this week. These groups consist of about 10-15 students and 2-3 staff members as leaders. These groups stay the same all year, and become our family away from home. They serve as small groups for prayer, confession, activities, games, accountability, and other such 'small group' things. I am in K-Group 4, led by Lorna and Andy Macdonald. They met here at Bodenseehof a few years back, and got married this past summer. We are their first K-Group as a married couple, and it'll be a fabulous year of helping them warm up their first home by decorating and furnishing each room :D

We find out in a few days which outreach team we are on. There are four types: Sing Teams, Drama Teams, English Teams, and Children's Teams. We filled out forms of experience and preference, but we all know God has already placed us on the exact team with the exact people through which He can do most work this year. My passion is singing, my experience is drama, and my challenge is mission work with children [only because it's not my passion like it is some people's]. I'm excited to see where God has placed me for this school year.

I'm not homesick, but I am.... people-sick, I guess. I miss Joel. I miss Sydney. I miss Mikaela [not like I'd ever get to see her if I were home, but still]. I miss Costco kids, and Jeff and Tony. But I'm doing much better than I thought I'd be. I've been waiting for the homesickness or the tears or the desire to simply be alone... and it hasn't come yet. Probably because I have Kendra :D She and I are the same person in so many ways, yet still very different. By day 6 here at Bodenseehof we were cuddling and napping together, so I have my special person already and it's absolutely amazing. Last night I couldn't talk to Joel for reasons out of his control, and Kendra saw me give up waiting for him to get online as I finally stood up and left the e-mail room very sad. Later she came into my room after all my roommates and I had gone to bed and she sad on my bedside, rubbed my back and whispered some things to me in comfort, and then prayed before saying goodnight. We've been here 9 days, and that's already what I have. See, God knows my needs and fulfills them ;) It's great. I love Kendra.

touching three countries

so. 2 days of lecture into the program, and i absolutely love it. the schedule is becoming more routine, and people are finally calming down after the overWHELMING amount of excitement this past weekend when we all first arrived. we have 3 papers due in a couple days, 2 memorized verses due at the end of this upcoming weekend, 7 chapters of reading to do per day in the Bible [in order to complete the entire Old Testament this term], our first assigned book's reading schedule started today, AND.... we spend all this Saturday climbing the Swiss Alps. no distraction there ;)
today i went on a fabulous european bike ride for about a half hour into downtown Friedrichshafen with Mckenzie, Kendra, and a German guest student named Alka [she wants to join the student body in January when 2nd term starts, and she's awesome]. we took pictures on the waterfront [bodensee], walked around town, did some shopping inside H&M, and finished our afternoon with some ice cream outside a restaurant overlooking Austria and Switzerland across the lake, wrapped in blankets and talking about cultural and political differences between Germany and America.
overall... a VERY satisfying afternoon.
though no school work was accomplished. oh well :P

each day that passes gets easier and easier to be away, because i'm becoming more and more confident in my decision to even come here in the first place. i'm cutting back on my computer time, told joel we basically can't talk because it pulls both him and me away from our personal lives and it's clearly not the best thing for either of us, and we must rely solely on hand-written letters that will be read by one or the other when we have the time and space to do so. [ps joel:: thank you so much for being the MOST incredible guy through all of this. your patience and willingness to wait for me and allow me to fully BE here blows me away and brings me to a very humbled and undeserving state of mind each time i remember just how lucky i am to have a guy like you. i adore you and am eternally grateful for having the opportunity to be with you. i love you].

duties are pretty hardcore... an hour of cleaning is done by most students every single day, and my particular job for the next 4 weeks before we rotate jobs is breakfast dishes every morning [with about 7 or 8 other students with me in the kitchen]. the kitchen is HUGE and dishes are definitely both plentiful and disgusting. lots to learn, and a language barrier between the kitchen staff and students makes fast learning absolutely vital. my first morning's experience involved milk getting dumped on my slippers.
so today.. i bought some SWEET kitchen clogs. oh yeah ;)

in short, i love it here and am definitely where i'm supposed to be. i miss home, but Peter Reid did the math for us tonight and this program, for the next 6 months, is only 0.6% of my life. setting aside a wholehearted and willing attitude to abide by these rules and devote my time and attention to getting the most out of this school year is really... in the end... hardly any sacrifice at all.
i think i can manage :]

willkommen auf bodenseehof

i've spent the last 26 hours just trying to figure out how to put this blog into words. i arrived yesterday [very late] by train to the school and started my experience with a commencement dinner. afterward was a meeting with an overwhelming amount of information, followed by some free time [during which, while most students got online to check facebook and e-mail friends and family, i chose to do laundry, ironing, and unpacking. normal, right?] before an early lights-out in hopes of getting all students to bed at a reasonable hour to get over jet-lag. saturday morning was breakfast followed by another two even MORE overwhelming meetings. when i say overwhelming, i mean... legitimately so much information i am left speechless. i, marissa, am left speechless. let me give you an example of this term's coursework that we were told about just today:
**we will be expected to, and tested on, printing by hand every book of the Bible in order and spelled correctly, along with the memorization of almost 40 verses [recited to and checked off by school staff]. we are required to read the entire Old Testament before Christmas break [which will be about 6 chapters a day] on which we will be writing several papers. on top of that, there are 4 books outside the Bible that we must obtain and read, writing a paper on each one of those as well. daily lectures will coincide with all reading, and there will be a number of papers, projects, and exams on all material given to us over the next 3 months.

i knew it'd be challenging... but... dang.

i guess the part that's so overwhelming is the lack of time to do it all. on top of all the school work [both in and out of lecture], we all have work duties each day, small group [k-group] time several times a week, church twice every sunday, required meal times, and a TON of available and tempting activities both on and off campus each day. this upcoming saturday we're hiking the Swiss Alps, a few days later we can run a German 8-k race if we want, and a few days after THAT, they're taking us to the Neuschwanstein Castle [the castle Walt Disney used as his model]. downtown Friedrichshafen is VERY close by bus, the soccer fields and volleyball courts outside are always calling for attention, and the school's lakeside location makes it VERY difficult to not want to spend hours down by the water just... admiring life.

i share a room with three other girls, one from South Carolina, one from Canada, and the last from Germany. luckily, they're great. all students are in very tight quarters this term [well, every term - it's a small school]. this is each student's alloted space per room: one bed, one under the bed drawer, two shelves, and one QUARTER of a closet. community showers, dining hall, lecture hall, game room, e-mail room, laundry room and lounge make for absolutely zero alone time. i mean, except for literally standing in the shower or sitting on the toilet. otherwise, any concept of a personal bubble was popped the second we walked through the door yesterday afternoon. good thing i've done this for a year and a half already at tri delta ;)

i've shared conversation with people from all over the world - aside from my roommates, i've talked with students from Japan, Norway, Australia, Ethiopia, India, and all over my own country. mmmm... talk about a legit melting pot :]

keeping up with life back home might be a challenge, and with all that i'm about to embark on in my faith and personal growth, my heart's been growing more and more fond of cutting myself off. at least from facebook. its a constant distraction and worry - 'when can i check it next? oh, dont forget to write to her and tell her....; remember to respond to his post and mention.....' i want to wrap my mind, body, and soul around this experience and i'm afraid i cant if i'm just as connected to the world and life back home as i've always been. i will keep it on the foreground of my mind and heart for a while and decide fairly soon just how much i can handle.

in the meantime - i will absolutely keep posting here, and enjoying life here with my new family and in this new country i can now call home :D i heart kendra hamman. a whole lot.

Frankfurt stay.

So the last four days basically flew by in one big blur of Frankfurt and trains and tours and castles and hostels and LOTS of German that I can't even come close to understanding. But it was a GREAT way to adjust to the German time-zone, and get to know 4 amazing girls who are now my classmates at school. Katie Montgomery, Mckenzie Walker [the two that I flew out of Seattle with], Katelyn Dyck [who met up with us at our hostel in Frankfurt our 2nd day in], and then Kendra Hamman [who checked into the hostel our 3rd day there] are the 4 that, with myself, complete the 'Frankfurt Five.' We took trains and the subway places, walked everywhere, adventured from morning til night, all the way til it was time to leave for Friedrichshafen down south, to FINALLY attend Bodenseehof - the school I've been waiting to attend for years :]

Frankfurt was great, St. Goar and it's caslte and towns were great, late night talks in the hostel were great. Germans are friendly, smart, and funny. And now, I move on from traveling to studying. Off to Capernwray, Torchbearer Bible School:: Bodenseehof, Germany.

goodbye seattle.

I will miss the Northwest incredibly. But... it is time to say goodbye. And thus begins a whole new chapter of my life. Icelandair flight FI520 nonstop to Reykjavik, Iceland then a connecting flight to Frankfurt, Germany. Traveling with new friends Mckenzie and Katie the whole way.
This... will be an adventure of a lifetime :]

Bring. it. on.

it is time.

I can't believe it. I leave tomorrow and I've been packed for three days already. I said my goodbyes in Pullman last weekend and have had a couple goodbye coffee dates this weekend. Tonight is my last night and I'll be spending it with some friends, but mostly just Sydney.

This summer went by crazy fast. I remember my countdown being over 200 days long. And now... it's only a matter of hours. I don't think it'll hit me until I'm on the plane, or maybe even IN Frankfurt, Germany that this is real. This is happening. God has given me a gift, and it starts tomorrow. I'm nervous, excited, anxious, sad, happy... a little bit of everything, I'd say. I will miss everyone, especially Joel. You have my heart now :)

Lord prepare me...

eighteen.days.

Holy smokes. God is good :D Joel and I have done lots of talking, thinking, and sharing of our hearts. We are now official, as of August 28, 2o1o, and happier than ever. Where this will go once I have to leave for Germany, only the Lord knows. But Joel and I both understand the need to be open-minded and positive about anything and everything that could happen to either of us in the next 7 months.

This was so NOT my plan 3 months ago....

thirty.four.days.

This is it, Germany in just over one month. I remember counting down from almost 8 months. It's surreal to me, and probably will be until I'm actually living at Bodenseehof with all the other students, screaming on the inside to come back home. Until then... I await my departure eagerly :)

Since my last update, God has done some serious shifting around of things in my life. I could probably blog for hours and hours giving a detailed update, but I spend so many hours of my life already just thinking about everything - I'll just re-cap as briefly as possible.

1.) I have fallen for Joel... big time. Something happened; he expressed his feelings at a time that I didn't necessarily reciprocate, a few days passed... and now the butterflies and tingles I get when thinking about him are a constant. We spent the entire summer as friends; God carefully placed him in my life at the exact right time when Joel and I had the exact right intentions: keeping things platonic and fun. We spent hours upon hours talking and mingling with mutual friends about life and love and God and the future... never did I expect or plan for it to end this way. He left for Pullman three days ago, and before he left we shared our first kiss. And it was perfect:: laying under the stars out on my dock watching a meteor shower that happened to be scheduled on Joel's last night in town, he asked me yet again [after asking and being denied multiple times before this] if he could kiss me. For the first time, I actually knew it was what I wanted and needed to feel before he left. So I let him. And it was magical :) We talked for so long we fell asleep under the stars and woke up as the sun was rising over the lake. Pretty sure there couldn't be a more perfect first kiss for me <3

2.) I let Sam go. I couldn't feel things for Joel all summer because I hadn't let Sam go, and I finally one day just stopped thinking about him. I deserve to be loved loyally and unconditionally. I deserve to be respected, cherished, and worth the effort. I deserve to be the chosen one that a guy discovers and fights for because he knows that no one else will make him happier. All this... Sam can't give me. All this... Joel is dying to give me. It was time for me to let Sam go.

3.) I have some of the most incredible people in my life. Co-workers are now friends, Sydney is closer to me than ever, Joel's friends are now my friends, and life couldn't be sweeter. I just spent three days in Chelan with some of the coolest girls on the Front End at Costco and Sydney joined for a portion of that vacation. I spent all summer meeting and getting to know a lot of Joel's closest friends - some more than others. I got together with some Tri-Delts and ADORED my time with them; I truly love and miss my sisters. Some high school friends like Amy Lindsay came back into my life while spending time with my favorite Devin, and the three of us have shared some wonderful moments and conversations this summer. I even got together and reconnected with some friends from elementary school who I havent seen in 14 years! And just when this happens... I take off for 7 months across the world. I will admit, I am a bit bitter. This really sucks :(

**What God is doing in my life is just a bunch of unkowns and uncertainties to me. Which, of course, are my weaknesses. No answers, no details... NOT how I work best. Joel and I have agreed to stay in touch while I'm gone and simply be honest about our feelings. We both want the best for the other person, and if someone better comes along for either of us, the plan is to take it and run with it. Dating will be a part of our future only if in the next 7 months the Lord lays it on both our hearts that it's the right thing and the right time. But golly, I sure hope it happens :) Joel Elliott Regalado is one outrageously amazing and special man.**

seventy.days.

Today marks exactly 70 days until I fly out. I honestly wish it could be tomorrow, but since it can't, I'm doing my best to enjoy and experience life to the max these days. Today I got up at 5:30 for the first time this summer [to make it to the 6am EKP class] and it felt amazing! I teach once a week starting this Friday morning [also at the 6am], and am very excited for that satisfying feeling of completing an instructed class. My photo and bio are officially up on the EKP website, which is VERY exciting for me, too :)

here's the website: http://www.eastsidekickboxing.com

At this point, I'm just rambling. I got very sunburnt yesterday, laying out with Joel for two hours before going on the boat for another hour and a half with Devin, Joel and the parents. Very fun, but VERY stupid to not have applied sunscreen. Not sure what I was thinking there...

Lately I've been quite busy in my social life, mostly with Joel and his friends or sometimes mine. It's been surprising how much I can fit in with work and EKP both still being priorities. Bars and clubs and 21-runs and mariners games and happy hour and star-gazing and movie nights.... Joel, you're pretty awesome :)

countdown until Germnay: 95 days

Today is really no different than any other Thursday, except that I finally decided to create and start my blog. Each day I find something new to research, shop for, prepare or do in hopes of making time pass faster between now and boarding my plane with McKenzie and Katie on Monday, September 20 of this year.
Like my title states... only 95 days left.
please make it fly by :(

I can't wait for the day when I'm on a European mountain top with nothing but God's beauty and grace surrounding me... and my only obligation is absorbing all knowledge and experiences He has planned for me at Bodenseehof :) I can't wait to be in complete awe of His great plan.